θ 33

[bit_impossible]

[curfew's just ending and where is he? in his suite like an obedient passenger, except he's not chomping on his bit to leave as usual, no, not today. when the sphere turns on, he's standing in the bathroom, the door closed, and wearing only just a pair of pyjama bottoms as he hangs his head over the sink. his face remains hidden from view as water droplets slide down his hair and trickle down the tip of his poor swollen nose. wet hands clutch white-knuckled at the edges of the sink while goose pimples run up bare arms and down his naked torso as he just stands there for a moment longer, oblivious to the transmission.

with his back still to the sphere, he reaches for a towel, gripping it awkwardly with his thumb and tries pinning the material between it and the glove-like cast on his left hand. after fumbling with it for a moment, he shifts his body and grabs at it with his good hand, muttering something under his breath as he throws the towel over his head. it's right then, however, as he's drying his hair that he catches the sphere in the mirror's reflection--and how he can tell that it's on when it looks like a miniature sun, well, it's probably best not to ask. probably wouldn't give a straight answer anyway.

and whether he'll admit if he's been to the curious window on Level 23 or not is anybody's guess.]

Comments

[bit_impossible]

[he would've found out where it was anyway but he's going to keep on pursuing her anyway because damnit he hates seeing her upset like this.]

But I have to try! I couldn't leave things alone even if my own life depended on it. I've let far too many people down and even more have been hurt or killed because I couldn't act quick enough. I can't...I'm not...

And...[softly] I couldn't bear to see you suffer like this any longer.

[hisoldgirl]

[well yeah, but still]

You could have listened to me for once. Now we are both afflicted and I cannot save you. [wrings her hands together] We have lived through so many nightmares together, I did not want -- what if it changes me, Doctor? What if these nightmares are no better than Zagreus? It is enough I be infected; I cannot lose you to such a virus again.

[looks down, away from him, and huddles quietly in the corner of the couch] No. You had to make it worse.

[bit_impossible]

[he knows he did make things worse, and knew he would the moment he made the decision to go to that window.]

That was different. Nothing is worse than Zagreus. I refuse to become him again--[especially not after what he saw in his nightmare]--and I won't allow the same to happen to you too, do you understand?

[sinks down onto the couch near her, but he restrains himself from doing more.] You are going to remain my beautiful, intelligent, and extremely stubborn ship forever. Nothing will change you.

[hisoldgirl]

So suffering the same fate I am will stop it? Now we are both seeing visions. How can you be certain it is not going to lead to another infection?

[keeps to the corner of the couch, legs tucked to her chest, watching him morosely] And yet this ship all ready has. It has encased me in flesh; it has made me what I am not; it has given me dreams when I had never dreamed before. How can you say I am unchanged when everything around me forces exactly that? I am not allowed to remain what I am. I am changed and I cannot stop it.

[bit_impossible]

[let's all that sink in before he speaks, and even when he does, he can't look at her.] I'm sorry...I'm so sorry. I can do nothing but upset you and while we're stuck here, I can't do anything but let you remain in that form.

I'm not certain of anything right now. It might, it might not and I'm leading toward the not because the circumstances are vastly different than before. But, this ship keeps proving me wrong. I keep failing--keep failing you.

[hisoldgirl]

[for a long time she just watches him, her expression gloomy, before she nods slowly, unfolding herself from where she's huddled. she doesn't move closer, but it's a cue that he's allowed to touch her again, at least. oh, she's still angry, there's no doubt about that, but at least she isn't treating him like some disease]

Doctor? What did you see?

[bit_impossible]

[sees her movement out of the corner of his eye then suddenly curls up and just buries his face into her lap, not caring that he's hurting his nose.]

The nightmare was fuzzy, but I could recognise the shapes of people and the smells all around me. I...I saw them--all my friends, family, Koschei, you. Everyone I've ever met. I was killing them, with what, I don't know, but I remember walking in a sea of bodies, a red ocean rising ever higher up my blood-soaked body, consuming me.

And I was laughing as I did it, enjoying seeing the life leave their blurry eyes. Only once they were all dead did I realise what I'd done with nothing but silence closing in on me. I tried to scream for help--but I'd killed everyone so of course no one was going to come to save me from what I've done. It didn't matter though; I was drowning in their blood and couldn't cry out any longer...

[hisoldgirl]

[just listens quietly, resting her hand in his hand, idly playing with the strands in as soothing a way as possible]

My Doctor. You do not deserve to see that. You do not deserve to bear this burden. [leans over, pressing her cheek to his and humming softly] My foolish boy. I wanted to protect you from this. Why would you not let me?

[bit_impossible]

[closes his eyes, listening to her hum]

Because I wanted to protect you from it. I had to try...

[hisoldgirl]

I am your ship. I am to protect you. The reverse need not be true. I would have functioned properly regardless.

But thank you. I know you are attempting to fix me. That is all that matters.

[bit_impossible]

[softly] I...I know.

I'll keep on trying to find a solution, whatever it takes.

[hisoldgirl]

I know, Doctor. I only ask you not harm yourself again for me.

[bit_impossible]

I won't. Not like this. [whether he remembers that the next time something happens, we'll see...]